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Cute kitty pictures are a necessity this week:

funny pictures of cats with captions

This kitten looks like I have felt all week (except she/he was able to maintain their cuteness, I don’t think I was able to do that):

funny pictures of cats with captions

funny pictures of cats with captions

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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My plans for this weekend:
 

 

Exciting, I know.

Pet Peeve of the Day: That lady on the red team on Biggest Loser

Quote of the Day: “When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.” –Mitch Hedberg

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Here’s an update to a hilarious video (the second one) from this winter (thanks James!):

 

 

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funny pictures of cats with captions

funny pictures of cats with captions

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Pet Peeve of the Day: People who don’t read the newspaper, watch the news, or have a fucking clue

Quote of the Day: “I’m sick of following my dreams.  I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.” –Mitch Hedberg

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Classic Dave:

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If you don’t watch Tosh.0 on Comedy Central on Thursday nights, you really need to start:

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funny pictures of cats with captions

funny pictures of cats with captions

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Pet Peeve of the Day: Babies in nail salons

Quote of the Day: “I saw this commercial on late night TV, it was for this thing you attach to a garden hose, it was like ‘You can water your hard-to-reach plants with this product.’  Who the fuck would make their plants hard to reach?  That seems so very mean.  ‘I know you need water, but I’m gonna make you hard to reach! I will throw water at you.  Hopefully they will invent a product before you shrivel and die! Think like a cactus!’  So it said, ‘You can have this product for four easy payments of 19.95.’  I want a product for three easy payments, and one fuckin’ complicated payment!  We can’t tell you which one, but one of those payments is gonna be a bitch.  The mailman will get shot to death, the envelope will not seal, and the stamp will be in the wrong denomination; good luck, fucker!  That last payment has to be paid in wampum!” –Mitch Hedberg

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06.23.2009

Favorite Comedians


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I can’t say I have watched a lot of stand-up comedy in my day, but the ones I have seen are freakin’ hilarious.  Recently I was introduced to my new fave, Daniel Tosh (thanks Ronnie!)  Read about my fave five below:

1) Lisa Lampanelli: The self described “Queen of Mean.”  I first saw her on various Comedy Central roasts, then saw some of her stand-up.  She’s pretty hardcore… hardcore awesome!  She pretty much provided me with my tagline: “I am feminine as shit, bitch!”  Haha I love it, just says it all!

2) Daniel Tosh: Hilarity.  And pretty cute for a standup comic! (At 5:00 minutes is my fave part)

3) Mitch Hedberg: (R.I.P.) You already know about my love of Mitch Hedberg.

  • “My roommate said to me, ‘I’m gonna go shave and use the shower; does anyone need to use the bathroom?’ It’s like some weird ass quiz where he reveals the answer first.”
  • “I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.”
  • “This shirt is ‘dry-clean only’…which means it’s dirty.”
  • “I saw this commercial on late night TV, it was for this thing you attach to a garden hose, it was like ‘You can water your hard-to-reach plants with this product.’ Who the fuck would make their plants hard to reach? That seems so very mean. ‘I know you need water, but I’m gonna make you hard to reach! I will throw water at you. Hopefully they will invent a product before you shrivel and die! Think like a cactus!’ So it said, ‘You can have this product for four easy payments of 19.95.’ I want a product for three easy payments, and one fuckin’ complicated payment! We can’t tell you which one, but one of those payments is gonna be a bitch. The mailman will get shot to death, the envelope will not seal, and the stamp will be in the wrong denomination; good luck, fucker! That last payments has to be paid in wampum!

4) Arj Barker: Shoe-seum… gets me every time. 

Comedy Central Presents Friday 10pm / 9c
Arj Barker – Shoe-seum
www.comedycentral.com
 

 

Jokes.com  
Arj Barker – American Pride
comedians.comedycentral.com
Joke of the Day Stand-Up Comedy Free Online Games

 

5) Steve Martin: A classic.

Things I Live For: Hissing at rude strangers; temporary tattoos

Quote of the Day: “I gave my cat a bath the other day… they love it.  He sat there, he enjoyed it, it was fun for me.  The fur would stick to my tongue, but other than that…” –Steve Martin

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The end of June always poses a problem for me; I venture into a drugstore looking for the perfect Father’s Day card.  Except, my dad doesn’t fish, fart, or play golf.  Further, he doesn’t attempt to fix things around the house only to break them even more.  Occasionally I find a card referring to baseball that is kind of clever, but that probably happens once every leap year.

So what’s a daughter to do?  Where is the card referencing the suit-wearing, intelligent, professional father?  Is it possible my dad is the only one to drink Martini’s and Manhattan’s at fine city establishments instead of burp-inducing beer whilst relaxing on a backyard hammock?  I know he’s one of a kind, but surely this can’t be true.

Why must all Father’s Day cards depict an antiquated caveman-esque father figure?  Are people’s father’s really the way Shoebox & American Greetings makes them appear?  These are the ones they make year after year though, so they must sell… A homemade card may seriously be the way to go when you take into consideration the utterly stupid cards available and the recession.

The feminist in me wants to say: “Haha men, this is the stereotype you get,” but then I think of my father and get angry at the discrepancy between Mother’s Day and Father’s Day cards.

Mother’s Day cards are all flowers & hearts, thanking them for a job well done raising the defiant teenager we all were.  Father’s Day cards are opened and display a message along the lines of: “I would have gotten you something more but I didn’t have enough money.  P.S. Can I have a raise in my allowance?”

They say parenting is a thankless job– for father’s that appears to be true.

Things I Live For: Nibbles coming in this weekend for Phish; Coupons

Quote of the Day:“My apartment is infested with koala bears.  It’s the cutest infestation ever.  Much better than cockroaches.  I turn the lights on and the koalas scatter.  I’m like, come back!  I want to hold one of you and feed you a leaf!” –Mitch Hedberg

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