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Wheelchair cat! Livin’ the dream!

Things I Live For: Black coffee

Quote of the Day: “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” –Maya Angelou

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This “email thread” is courtesy of 27b/6. Read it through… you will not regret it:
From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9.15am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Poster
Hi
I opened the screen door yesterday and my cat got out and has been missing since then so I was wondering if you are not to busy you could make a poster for me. It has to be A4 and I will photocopy it and put it around my suburb this afternoon.
This is the only photo of her I have she answers to the name Missy and is black and white and about 8 months old. missing on Harper street and my phone number.
Thanks Shan.
From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9.26am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Poster
Dear Shannon,
That is shocking news. Luckily I was sitting down when I read your email and not half way up a ladder or tree. How are you holding up? I am surprised you managed to attend work at all what with thinking about Missy out there cold, frightened and alone… possibly lying on the side of the road, her back legs squashed by a vehicle, calling out “Shannon, where are you?” Although I have two clients expecting completed work this afternoon, I will, of course, drop everything and do whatever it takes to facilitate the speedy return of Missy.
Regards, David.
 
From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9.37am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Poster
yeah ok thanks. I know you dont like cats but I am really worried about mine. I have to leave at 1pm today.
From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.17am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Poster
Dear Shannon,
I never said I don’t like cats. Once, having been invited to a party, I went clothes shopping beforehand and bought a pair of expensive G-Star boots. They were two sizes too small but I wanted them so badly I figured I could just wear them without socks and cut my toenails very short. As the party was only a few blocks from my place, I decided to walk. After the first block, I lost all feeling in my feet. Arriving at the party, I stumbled into a guy named Steven, spilling Malibu & coke onto his white Wham ‘Choose Life’ t-shirt, and he punched me. An hour or so after the incident, Steven sat down in a chair already occupied by a cat. The surprised cat clawed and snarled causing Steven to leap out of the chair, slip on a rug and strike his forehead onto the corner of a speaker; resulting in a two inch open gash. In its shock, the cat also defecated, leaving Steven with a wet brown stain down the back of his beige cargo pants. I liked that cat.
Attached poster as requested.
Regards, David.

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.24am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster
yeah thats not what I was looking for at all. it looks like a movie and how come the photo of Missy is so small?
From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.28am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster
Dear Shannon,
It’s a design thing. The cat is lost in the negative space.
Regards, David.
 
From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.33am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster
Thats just stupid. Can you do it properly please? I am extremely emotional over this and was up all night in tears. you seem to think it is funny. Can you make the photo bigger please and fix the text and do it in colour please. Thanks.
From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.46am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster
Dear Shannon,
Having worked with designers for a few years now, I would have assumed you understood, despite our vague suggestions otherwise, we do not welcome constructive criticism. I don’t come downstairs and tell you how to send text messages, log onto Facebook and look out of the window. I am willing to overlook this faux pas due to you no doubt being preoccupied with thoughts of Missy attempting to make her way home across busy intersections or being trapped in a drain as it slowly fills with water. I spent three days down a well once but that was just for fun.
I have amended and attached the poster as per your instructions.
Regards, David.

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.59am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster
This is worse than the other one. can you make it so it shows the whole photo of Missy and delete the stupid text that says missing missy off it? I just want it to say lost.
From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.14am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster
From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.21am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster
yeah can you do the poster or not? I just want a photo and the word lost and the telephone number and when and where she was lost and her name. Not like a movie poster or anything stupid. I have to leave early today. If it was your cat I would help you. Thanks.
From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.32am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Awww
Dear Shannon,
I don’t have a cat. I once agreed to look after a friend’s cat for a week but after he dropped it off at my apartment and explained the concept of kitty litter, I kept the cat in a closed cardboard box in the shed and forgot about it. If I wanted to feed something and clean faeces, I wouldn’t have put my mother in that home after her stroke. A week later, when my friend came to collect his cat, I pretended that I was not home and mailed the box to him. Apparently I failed to put enough stamps on the package and he had to collect it from the post office and pay eighteen dollars. He still goes on about that sometimes, people need to learn to let go.
I have attached the amended version of your poster as per your detailed instructions.
Regards, David.
From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.47am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Awww
Thats not my cat. where did you get that picture from? That cat is orange. I gave you a photo of my cat.
From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.58am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Awww
I know, but that one is cute. As Missy has quite possibly met any one of several violent ends, it is possible you might get a better cat out of this. If anybody calls and says “I haven’t seen your orange cat but I did find a black and white one with its hind legs run over by a car, do you want it?” you can politely decline and save yourself a costly veterinarian bill.
I knew someone who had a basset hound that had its hind legs removed after an accident and it had to walk around with one of those little buggies with wheels. If it had been my dog I would have asked for all its legs to be removed and replaced with wheels and had a remote control installed. I could charge neighbourhood kids for rides and enter it in races. If I did the same with a horse I could drive it to work. I would call it Steven.
Regards, David.
From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.07pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Awww
Please just use the photo I gave you.
From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.22pm
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.34pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww
I didnt say there was a reward. I dont have $2000 dollars. What did you even put that there for? Apart from that it is perfect can you please remove the reward bit. Thanks Shan.
From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.42pm
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww
From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.51pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww
Can you just please take the reward bit off altogether? I have to leave in ten minutes and I still have to make photocopies of it.
From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.56pm
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww
From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 1.03pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww
Fine. That will have to do.

 

Things I Live For: Bama for introducing me to 27b/6

Quote of the Day: “I prefer to have my cab drivers be from one of the terrorist countries. Those guys don’t sleep. They’re all hopped up on hate and poppyseeds.” –Daniel Tosh

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Over the past few weeks I have seen my fair share of profiles. I have tried my best to refrain from judgment, but I’m beginning to wonder why they are all the same…

1) EVERY guy is a “laid back, normal guy”

2) EVERY guy “works hard but plays harder”

3) EVERY guy likes to be active whether it be jumping from an airplane, climbing a mountain, or swimming with sharks

4) EVERY guy has a “good sense of humor”

5) EVERY guy “wants a dog but doesn’t have time for one so it’s not fair to the dog to get one”

6) EVERY guy is “open” and “honest”

7) EVERY guy is “new to this online dating thing” and “sick of the bar scene”

8 ) Despite their laid back-ness, EVERY guy is “driven, determined, and focused”

9) EVERY guy is “just looking to meet new people” (am I high or is that a given?)

10) And finally… it is becoming highly unlikely that I will find my match. Where are all the witty, smart, tall, hilarious, Chicago sports loving, shaggy-haired-but-not-in-a-hipster-way, good looking guys???

If girls rock their profiles this way too, it’s no wonder that I stick out as the weirdo no one wants to talk to…

Things I Live For: Witty, smart, tall, hilarious, Chicago sports loving, shaggy-haired-but-not-in-a-hipster-way, good looking guys

Quote of the Day: “You don’t know a woman until you have a letter from her.” –Ada Leverson

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I’m the last person in the world to speak ill of sleeping but when it comes to napping, I can no longer bite my tongue. Since when did everyone start napping? And I don’t mean kids and the elderly, I mean my friends, my peers… people MY AGE.

I’ve never understood the nap. What’s so great about sleeping for 30 minutes? Because when I do it, I just wake up crabbier than when I went to sleep. If I fall asleep, it better be a duration of at least 8 hours, (preferably 12).

I get it that people get tired during the day. I do too. But since I’m an adult, I just power through. Because I don’t have time to take a nap, nor do I have a mother with a plate of cookies and milk waiting for me to wake up. You’re an adult, you can drink coffee, pour yourself a fuckin Red Bull and grow a pair.

Scientists and commies can sit here all day and tell me how valuable napping can be. But I’ll bet that a good nights sleep far outweighs the combo of no sleep plus a nap.

Why would I want to force myself to awaken from slumber twice in one day? Waking up once is enough for me–it’s certainly not the highlight of my day so I can’t imagine voluntarily deciding to repeat that procedure more than necessary.

And people that take naps on the WEEKENDS? It’s called SLEEPING IN; problem solved.

You’re probably thinking, I’m sure there’s some times you have slept during the day. And the answer to that would be yes, why of course I have. But these have not been naps. These instances have been the result of being sick: falling asleep due to cough medicine/Quaaludes/codeine/etc. or the result of day drinking: passing out. Not napping. Passing out. Those are the only two exceptions.

So if you call me during the day and I don’t answer, assume I’m either really sick or hammered drunk. Because otherwise I should be alert and ready during all daytime hours. Klinker on the other hand? Not so much. They’re called cat naps for a reason.

Things I Live For: The fall Free People catalog

Quote of the Day: “There’s only one solution: disconnect!” –Tom Foster

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It’s been a rough week… this is what go me through…

(I prefer Jeff Buckley’s to Leonard Cohen’s original):

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Have I ever confessed my crush on Carrie Underwood. I think she is the most attractive woman in the world (besides my mom…awwwww)… and jams like this make her even more awesome:

*     *     *

Pirate kitties!

funny pictures of cats with captions

 Probably how I feel at work today:

funny pictures of cats with captions

Things I Live For: Smirnoff Flavored Vodkas

Quote of the Day: “There was a time you let me know what’s really going on below – But now you never show it to me, do you? And remember when I moved in you – The holy dove was moving to… And every breath we drew was Hallelujah” –Leonard Cohen

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