Dear Mailman,

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I’m pretty sure one of the reasons to subscribe to magazines is because you get them well before they are on the newsstands.  Yet somehow, you manage to get me my April magazines at the end of March.  I know I have an obsession with magazines and that perhaps my subscriptions are more than you can handle.  Normally I would be willing to excuse the tardiness of your delivery, but there are things in our relationship that cause me to dislike you past the point of forgiveness. 

For example, I may not get my Country Living every month on time, but you can bet that you fill  my mailbox with every bridal and wedding catalogue that exists in the free world.  Here’s a hint, I’m NOT getting married.  Further, I WAS getting married until my EX-fiancee decided it was too hot in the kitchen (after it was his idea to get married…)  So now, these unsolicited catalogues and circulars just serve as a bitter reminder of a failed relationship.  Not that that is your fault…

But here’s what is.  You may have noticed that the other name that was on my mailbox has been amateurly scratched out.  One night in a fit of sadness and rage, I had to erase my EX-fiancees name because I could not bear to walk by that box one more time and see it there.  (This was less embarrassing than asking my management company to outfit me with another nameplate just 5 months after I had a second name added to the current nameplate).  So, as a person who deals daily in mailboxes, I would think you would have noticed that the additional name was there and then all of a sudden wasn’t.  And perhaps you could have put two and two together, shown some compassion. 

Yet you decided to write me a little note on one of my letters asking me to put “EX-fiancees” name on the box if he wanted his mail delivered.  Well Mr. Mailman, clearly you can see that the name has been erased from my mailbox and as such, so has EX-fiancee from my life.  So, return to sender. 

But really, EX-fiancee doesn’t get any mail here.  Because you delivered his mail to me anyway.  And what you delivered Mr. Mailman, was a Maxim magazine which I subscribed to as a gift/surprise for EX-fiancee.  Wow, I’m so glad you manage to get his magazines to him on time, despite your threats.  How come my Glamour or Allure have less priority than this Maxim?  

I will make a deal with you.  You keep the godforsaken Maxim for yourself.  And keep all the wedding shit too.

But give me my fucking Country Living so I can move on with my life.


Your friend who is about to go postal if you don’t stop this madness

Pet Peeve of the Day: See above

Quote of the Day: “And if they granted you one final wish, would you ask for something like another chance?” –Traffic

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This Austin Powers music video is dedicated to Biggie… not because his Daddy wasn’t there but because goddamn it’s an amazing song:

Things I Live For: When God knows to make it cold in spring because he senses I need a scotch day and I’m not ready to retire it for the season just yet; The return of Mike Meyers

Quote of the Day: “Judge a man by his questions rather than by his answers.” –Voltaire

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