Holier then the holiest of rollers, and certainly holier than thou, I give you atheists. They KNOW things whereas us believers just BELIEVE things. And they are adamant about this and will let you know. But how are they so sure that I’m some idiot because I believe in a higher power and engage in organized religion?

The answer may indeed be opposable thumbs. And I’m totally with them on that because goddamn if I don’t love my opposable thumbs. But why can’t I believe in evolution and God?

Mark Twain said “faith is believing what you know ain’t so.” I like this quote because I think it mirrors the complexities that comprise faith. Now, we could get stoned and talk about this quote for hours but we won’t at the moment. But I believe atheists lack faith–they have no faith in anything. And to me, that is sad. Yes, I have little faith in humanity, but I still have a LITTLE. I presume they have none because they need EVIDENCE for everything. Apparently a lengthy book is not good enough. That’s fine. Live your life like that. But I’m not gonna come to your little hipster pad and protest your choice to be an atheist so don’t

A man in my class the other day stated how he had to go to church at Christmas because it made his parents happy. But he relayed to the class what a maddening experience that was for him. Well what about how maddening it was for the fellow congregants to have to worship in the midst of someone who looks down on them and laughs at what they stand for? And to be honest buddy, if, at 38 years old, you’re going to church, doing something you hate to “make your parents happy” I’d say your issues run way deeper than organized religion and Yahweh.

Do atheists have an aversion to all art that depicts or discusses religion? Because wow are you guys not only really ignorant to the rights of others but also really culturally deprived.

So atheists–check yourselves. Or, you may want to take a page from our Book and learn a little bit about acceptance. Or maybe go off to some far end of the world with all your Democrat friends who also know that their way is the right way and fucking kick rocks.

Pet Peeve of the Day: See above

Quote of the Day: “Grace is all I’m asking, when will grace return” –Dave Matthews

I have a very important question that I am still pondering: who do I hate more, crossing guards or “traffic management” people (aka people who help adults cross the street when there is a lot of activity about, i.e. a Cubs game). I know I hate them both a lot, but which do I hate more?

They both come with a false sense of power that they are always ready to demonstrate. They both do a job that shouldn’t even exist in the world.

I grew up in the city, took public transit to school, never had any crossing guard guiding me across the street. I somehow survived, somehow learned how to get from one side of the street to the other. Call me crazy but I guess my parents taught me, well, what they were supposed to. So why are crossing guards necessary? Now that summer is gone, crossing guards have popped up on every single corner on my path to work. Meaning, they have effectively delayed my travel time each morning by at least 10 minutes.

And here’s why. You cannot turn right on a red when Joe Crossing Guard is there. But I do. Even worse, YOU CANNOT TURN RIGHT ON A GREEN when Joe Crossing Guard is there, which I don’t do because said crossing guard is standing in my path lest a child appear out of nowhere and decide to cross.

Further, crossing guards must be the coolest, most interesting people in the world. Every morning some random civilian is standing talking to the guard as if they are old friends. People just HANG OUT and talk to these people. What do these people say to the crossing guard? “Gee thanks for helping my snot nosed kid learn how to cross the street; I’m too much of a degenerate to do it myself. But hell if I don’t have time to just shoot the fucking breeze with you!” 

That’s great you want to chat, but can you hang out on a bench, away from a crosswalk so you won’t be tempted to pop up in my way for no fucking reason at all?

And these people, without their vests and their stop signs that they raise like the word of the Lord, couldn’t even stop an ant from crossing “their” street. They’re all OLD. Retired. Give up the American dream. It’s over. It’s not like “oh yay let’s keep old people relevant” because if you wanted to do that you would have them make me some moonshine or toss me some Werthers. The corner of a busy intersection is no place for the elderly.

So, crossing guards suck. But I will tell you why “traffic management” people suck too . . . soon. And then you can decide for yourself!

Pet Peeve of the Day: See above

Quote of the Day: “People do not seem to realize that their opinion of the world is also a confession of character.” –Ralph Waldo Emmerson

So, the most perfect food in the world is a grilled cheese. I could eat them every day. And with a side of mac and cheese. Carbs and cheese. YES PLEASE! But two restaurants seem to think the basic grilled cheese is not enough…

Denny’s (which I boycott because of their lies) has introduced the Fried Cheese Melt. A grilled cheese, with four mozz cheese sticks stuck in the middle. WTF. I can’t say I’m not intrigued and if I didn’t boycott Denny’s, I may indeed try that. However at 1200+ calories and 63 grams of fat, I’d have to fast for a few days before indulging…

Then there is the Friendly’s Grilled Cheese Burger Melt. Yup, you guessed it, a burger stuck between two grilled cheese sandwiches. Why would you ruin a grilled cheese with a meat patty, lettuce, and tomato? And that little delicacy is 1500 calories and 93 awesome grams of fat! Doesn’t sound too figure “FRIENDLY” to me… hi-oh!

So really people, why are you fucking with the grilled cheese. It’s like finger painting over the Mona Lisa or adding mayonnaise to a sandwich.

And people wonder why we’re fat and Europeans hate us…

Pet Peeve of the Day: See above

Quote of the Day: “America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between.” –Oscar Wilde

I saw some loser wearing his visor backwards the other day thinking he was cool. Then I was like wait! I know someone who does that. And when he does it, it is awesome. I wondered why that was so, and concluded it’s because 1) he’s my dad and he’s the shit, 2) street-cred, and 3) the ’70′s (because I feel as if that is where a lot of this stuff came from and he’s just single handedly carrying on the traditions of his 20′s and 30′s).

So I give you a list of things my dad does that are awesome, but if YOU did them, you’d be a d-bag.

• Wears his visors backwards
• Pops the collar on his Polo shirts
• Wears pinkish colored Polo shirts with said popped collar
• Rocks Converse Chuck Taylor’s (well if you do this you’re not a d-bag, just a stupid hipster. He is clearly neither)
• Really enjoys the works of Tom Cruise
• Requests (demands?) “Paint it Black” at every concert he attends (his own personal “Freebird” if you will…)
• Lives in Wrigleyville. Actually, he was the pioneer of that neighborhood.

Clearly my dad has reached a level of awesomeness that we can only aspire to…

Things I Live For: My dad

Quote of the Day: “Friends are those rare people who ask how we are and then wait to hear the answer.” –Unknown

This is sooooo funny I couldn’t wait until Random Shit Friday’s to  bring it to you guys. Watch the first video, and then the second. (And thanks to Em for brining this urgent matter to my attention!!)

Things I Live For: See above

Quote of the Day: “Life is partly what we make it, and partly what is made by the friends we choose.” –Tennessee Williams