04.14.2010

Dear Mailman,


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I’m pretty sure one of the reasons to subscribe to magazines is because you get them well before they are on the newsstands.  Yet somehow, you manage to get me my April magazines at the end of March.  I know I have an obsession with magazines and that perhaps my subscriptions are more than you can handle.  Normally I would be willing to excuse the tardiness of your delivery, but there are things in our relationship that cause me to dislike you past the point of forgiveness. 

For example, I may not get my Country Living every month on time, but you can bet that you fill  my mailbox with every bridal and wedding catalogue that exists in the free world.  Here’s a hint, I’m NOT getting married.  Further, I WAS getting married until my EX-fiancee decided it was too hot in the kitchen (after it was his idea to get married…)  So now, these unsolicited catalogues and circulars just serve as a bitter reminder of a failed relationship.  Not that that is your fault…

But here’s what is.  You may have noticed that the other name that was on my mailbox has been amateurly scratched out.  One night in a fit of sadness and rage, I had to erase my EX-fiancees name because I could not bear to walk by that box one more time and see it there.  (This was less embarrassing than asking my management company to outfit me with another nameplate just 5 months after I had a second name added to the current nameplate).  So, as a person who deals daily in mailboxes, I would think you would have noticed that the additional name was there and then all of a sudden wasn’t.  And perhaps you could have put two and two together, shown some compassion. 

Yet you decided to write me a little note on one of my letters asking me to put “EX-fiancees” name on the box if he wanted his mail delivered.  Well Mr. Mailman, clearly you can see that the name has been erased from my mailbox and as such, so has EX-fiancee from my life.  So, return to sender. 

But really, EX-fiancee doesn’t get any mail here.  Because you delivered his mail to me anyway.  And what you delivered Mr. Mailman, was a Maxim magazine which I subscribed to as a gift/surprise for EX-fiancee.  Wow, I’m so glad you manage to get his magazines to him on time, despite your threats.  How come my Glamour or Allure have less priority than this Maxim?  

I will make a deal with you.  You keep the godforsaken Maxim for yourself.  And keep all the wedding shit too.

But give me my fucking Country Living so I can move on with my life.

Sincerely,

Your friend who is about to go postal if you don’t stop this madness

Pet Peeve of the Day: See above

Quote of the Day: “And if they granted you one final wish, would you ask for something like another chance?” –Traffic

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04.07.2010

DIY Candlesticks


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I saw these awesome candlesticks over at Drab to Fab and knew I had to make some.  And I thought great big ones would perfectly fill out this empty corner I had next to my dining room table.  So I took a trip to Home Depot for some 4×4’s.  To say I stood out at Home Depot would be an understatement.  I had no idea what I was doing or where I was going.  But I found the 4×4’s and a crazy old guy to cut them for me.  (Honestly I was nervous for him to operate a power tool…)  He seemed really perplexed by what I was doing since I was asking for various lengths.  I explained it to him but I still don’t think he got it.  ANYWAY…

I bought the tops and bottoms at Michaels and glued them on with Gorilla glue.  Then I painted them with a white-ish paint I had, and stained them with the infamous Ralph Lauren Smoke glaze (FYI Home Depot informed me they will no longer be selling Ralph Lauren… recession I guess).

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The total cost of these was suuuuuuper cheap.  I forget how much the 4×4 was but I don’t think it was more than $12.

I think they fit perfectly in the corner but I might have to spiff up the candles a bit!  (And why is one darker than the other??  Annoy)  How easy!  Thanks for the great idea Drab to Fab!

Pet Peeve of the Day: Your friend’s band

Quote of the Day: “A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life to be thankful for a good one.” –Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings

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With all the hoopla surrounding Jared and $5 footlongs, it seems that Subway has been purposely distracting us so as to not notice the horrid crime that they have committed.  I am talking about that awesome little piece of bread that used to serve as the top of the sandwich.  The top was cut on both sides to produce a sort of delicious, bread strip.  Their bread is no longer cut like this.  Instead, the bread is cut in your run of the mill split down the side way.  (I tried to find a pic but this one was the best I could do).

I noticed this over the weekend when I watched Happy Gilmore.  As I watched Happy sling Subway sandwiches, I saw the long forgotten piece of bread!  And I wondered, WHY was this phased out?  And WHY hadn’t I noticed until now? 

Well, I probably have not noticed because ever since Quizno’s came on the scene, I’ve pretty much stayed away from Subway.  But why would you phase out such a revolutionary bread slicing method?  That piece of bread topping was admittedly an afterthought because your sandwich was already tucked neatly into the bread without any side spillage.  It wasn’t really holding anything together except the dreams of this ham-and swiss eating little girl. 

If I have to blame anyone, I will blame Jared.  He changed the face of Subway, so I can only assume this was one of the things on his to-do list.  Take out anything unique that may make you a competitor in the sub market.  It’s not like any new sub shop is going to open and offer delicious hot, toasty subs, so why continue on trying to have a hook? 

Jared may have succeeded with his weight loss, but he certainly failed Marketing 101.  And if not him, someone else.  And I want names.

Pet Peeve of the Day: See above

Quote of the Day: “Whoa, you’re telling us this book is filthy, inappropriate and made a guy shoot the king of hippies?!  Can we please read this, right now?!” –Eric Cartman

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By now we all know I am not down with movies.  I don’t watch them, I haven’t seen them, and I can only quote Tommy Boy or Will Ferrell movies.  But as a loyal Oscars watcher (for the fashion, duh) I am usually forced to learn a little about what movies have been popular in the last year.  Not that I like to follow the popular opinion, but asking if people know what cow-tipping is at cocktail parties kind of limits my scope of conversation.

So I found out about this movie Precious: Based on the Novel “Push” by Sapphire.  It seemed like a story I would like: moving, adolescent struggles, courage, blah blah.  And so I found it on OnDemand and watched it.  Except it turns out I already saw this movie.  In 1995.  When it was called “Dangerous Minds.”

A well-meaning teacher relates to the struggles of inner-city kids and helps them flourish.  Sorry Sapphire, but this has been done before.  And done better ala Michelle Pfeiffer. 

I get that weaving in incest is meant to make Precious more compelling, but really it didn’t.  And did anyone else have trouble understanding what the fuck Precious was saying?  I felt like an 80 year old woman living next to a highway my volume was up so high.  And I still missed half the dialogue.  Not that it effected my understanding of the story.

I will say that Monique was pretty awesome and while I didn’t see any of the other movies in her Oscar category, I feel the correct choice was made.  Gabourey Sidibe as best actress?  A think even a nomination for her was a little far fetched. 

So the next time I want a heartwarming story, I’ll watch Dangerous Minds.  Because honestly, incest cannot hold a candle to a Dylan-Dylan contest.

Things I Live For: Movies made in the mid-90’s; ketchup popsicles

Quote of the Day: “I will not go down under the ground ‘Cause somebody tells me that death’s coming ’round – And I will not carry myself down to die – When I go to my grave, my head will be high.” –Bob Dylan

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03.15.2010

Holy Smokes!


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Did you know that there are still places in America where smoking is allowed indoors??  It’s like taking a step back into 1962.  And you feel like a criminal being surrounded by so much brazen smoking.

My mom and I went antiquing in Indiana on Sunday and stopped at a small (albeit awesome) diner for lunch.  And there was a smoking section.  Right next to the non-smoking section.  We were amazed, as if we were aliens dropped on this planet for a moment in time.  Is this really what flew in restaurants just a few years ago?  Because cigarettes are dis-gust-ing!

The entire place was thick with smoke.  People were taking bites of food between drags.  Babies sat at tables where all the adults smoked.  It was insanity.  It seems like all of this legal smoking inside business was in another lifetime. 

no smokingAnd, as an ex-smoker, I have always been very accommodating to smoker’s rights.  Until this diner experience, I was all about letting people smoke in places that were just bars (i.e. they don’t sell food just sweet sweet alcohol).  But holy shit, not anymore!  I want to live.  I want to smell my laundry detergent.  I want to smell my shampoo and hairspray.  I want to get my money’s worth out of my perfume.  I do not want to smell like a walking ashtray upon leaving any establishment. 

In Europe I don’t mind this because A) I’m in Europe, what is there really to complain about B) it feels authentic.  When smoking was banned in Paris my Parisian compatriots went crazy because to them, it was impeding a lifestyle, not just a habit.  And I wholeheartedly agree on that!

It wasn’t too long ago when it was thought okay to smoke while pregnant.  And we certainly were okay with smoking inside until quite recently.  I wonder what will be banned in 30 years that we’re doing now.  Hopefully it won’t be being awesome. 

Pet Peeve of the Day: St. Patty’s Day aka amateur hour

Quote of the Day: “Son, when you participate in sporting events– it’s not whether you win or lose, it’s how drunk you get.” –Homer Simpson

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