I have a very important question that I am still pondering: who do I hate more, crossing guards or “traffic management” people (aka people who help adults cross the street when there is a lot of activity about, i.e. a Cubs game). I know I hate them both a lot, but which do I hate more?

They both come with a false sense of power that they are always ready to demonstrate. They both do a job that shouldn’t even exist in the world.

I grew up in the city, took public transit to school, never had any crossing guard guiding me across the street. I somehow survived, somehow learned how to get from one side of the street to the other. Call me crazy but I guess my parents taught me, well, what they were supposed to. So why are crossing guards necessary? Now that summer is gone, crossing guards have popped up on every single corner on my path to work. Meaning, they have effectively delayed my travel time each morning by at least 10 minutes.

And here’s why. You cannot turn right on a red when Joe Crossing Guard is there. But I do. Even worse, YOU CANNOT TURN RIGHT ON A GREEN when Joe Crossing Guard is there, which I don’t do because said crossing guard is standing in my path lest a child appear out of nowhere and decide to cross.

Further, crossing guards must be the coolest, most interesting people in the world. Every morning some random civilian is standing talking to the guard as if they are old friends. People just HANG OUT and talk to these people. What do these people say to the crossing guard? “Gee thanks for helping my snot nosed kid learn how to cross the street; I’m too much of a degenerate to do it myself. But hell if I don’t have time to just shoot the fucking breeze with you!” 

That’s great you want to chat, but can you hang out on a bench, away from a crosswalk so you won’t be tempted to pop up in my way for no fucking reason at all?

And these people, without their vests and their stop signs that they raise like the word of the Lord, couldn’t even stop an ant from crossing “their” street. They’re all OLD. Retired. Give up the American dream. It’s over. It’s not like “oh yay let’s keep old people relevant” because if you wanted to do that you would have them make me some moonshine or toss me some Werthers. The corner of a busy intersection is no place for the elderly.

So, crossing guards suck. But I will tell you why “traffic management” people suck too . . . soon. And then you can decide for yourself!

Pet Peeve of the Day: See above

Quote of the Day: “People do not seem to realize that their opinion of the world is also a confession of character.” –Ralph Waldo Emmerson