So, the most perfect food in the world is a grilled cheese. I could eat them every day. And with a side of mac and cheese. Carbs and cheese. YES PLEASE! But two restaurants seem to think the basic grilled cheese is not enough…

Denny’s (which I boycott because of their lies) has introduced the Fried Cheese Melt. A grilled cheese, with four mozz cheese sticks stuck in the middle. WTF. I can’t say I’m not intrigued and if I didn’t boycott Denny’s, I may indeed try that. However at 1200+ calories and 63 grams of fat, I’d have to fast for a few days before indulging…

Then there is the Friendly’s Grilled Cheese Burger Melt. Yup, you guessed it, a burger stuck between two grilled cheese sandwiches. Why would you ruin a grilled cheese with a meat patty, lettuce, and tomato? And that little delicacy is 1500 calories and 93 awesome grams of fat! Doesn’t sound too figure “FRIENDLY” to me… hi-oh!

So really people, why are you fucking with the grilled cheese. It’s like finger painting over the Mona Lisa or adding mayonnaise to a sandwich.

And people wonder why we’re fat and Europeans hate us…

Pet Peeve of the Day: See above

Quote of the Day: “America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between.” –Oscar Wilde

I saw some loser wearing his visor backwards the other day thinking he was cool. Then I was like wait! I know someone who does that. And when he does it, it is awesome. I wondered why that was so, and concluded it’s because 1) he’s my dad and he’s the shit, 2) street-cred, and 3) the ’70′s (because I feel as if that is where a lot of this stuff came from and he’s just single handedly carrying on the traditions of his 20′s and 30′s).

So I give you a list of things my dad does that are awesome, but if YOU did them, you’d be a d-bag.

• Wears his visors backwards
• Pops the collar on his Polo shirts
• Wears pinkish colored Polo shirts with said popped collar
• Rocks Converse Chuck Taylor’s (well if you do this you’re not a d-bag, just a stupid hipster. He is clearly neither)
• Really enjoys the works of Tom Cruise
• Requests (demands?) “Paint it Black” at every concert he attends (his own personal “Freebird” if you will…)
• Lives in Wrigleyville. Actually, he was the pioneer of that neighborhood.

Clearly my dad has reached a level of awesomeness that we can only aspire to…

Things I Live For: My dad

Quote of the Day: “Friends are those rare people who ask how we are and then wait to hear the answer.” –Unknown

This is sooooo funny I couldn’t wait until Random Shit Friday’s to  bring it to you guys. Watch the first video, and then the second. (And thanks to Em for brining this urgent matter to my attention!!)

Things I Live For: See above

Quote of the Day: “Life is partly what we make it, and partly what is made by the friends we choose.” –Tennessee Williams

Wheelchair cat! Livin’ the dream!

Things I Live For: Black coffee

Quote of the Day: “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” –Maya Angelou

I have quite the dilemma. At the off-ramp of the highway I get off at everyday, I see my fair share of homeless beggars. Recently, I have been really in a pickle as I try to discern which of 2 guys is really homeless.

This is why it’s tricky: one wears a 2010 Blackhawks Stanley Cup Champions shirt, the other wears a Chicago Bulls 3-Peat shirt.

At first, I called bullshit on the Stanley Cup guy–that win is pretty recent so he obviously had the 20 bones a month ago to purchase that shirt. But what if they were passing those shirts out like candy and I just happened to miss it? Maybe they had a lot of extras after they realized no one in Chicago *really* likes hockey.

So then you’re telling me the guy in the 15+year old shirt isn’t the real homeless guy? That shirt has a lot of miles on it, a lot of beggin’ miles–it’s a part of the classic homeless look. OR IS IT?

Because if I had a Bulls 3-Peat shirt that I could find, you bet your ass I wouldn’t be parading it around everyday. That shit would be worn only on special occasions. That shirt is an ANTIQUE. Worth millions. A RARE antique that this guy obviously had enough money to buy because clearly he was over in ‘Nam when the first 3-peat happened.

Basically, what we have here at the Kennedy off-ramp at Irving Park is an antique enthusiast and the only hockey fan in the city of Chicago.

So I ask: Will the real homeless person please stand up?

Pet Peeve of the Day: Fall not being here soon enough

Quote of the Day: “You can look back but it’s best not to stare.” –Tom Petty

God I fucking love it when this blog writes itself. Especially when I’ve been neglecting it because I have been so incredibly busy. This time, our friend Fred took time out to spread a little cheer.

In regards to my High Life post, Fred noted that “Its edition not addition as in limited edition. hahah!” He is right. And I am beyond embarrassed by that gaffe.

So I went to email him to thank him for pointing that out, but its turns out “screwyou@high.com” is not a valid email address. So Fred if you’re reading, I thank you. And also, I thank you for the lengths you went to leave that post.

In your internet search of “high life” (which, bravo buddy, time well spent on the internet), my blog post came up. Except when you clicked on it through the search engine, you discovered that it was a password protected post. So you went up to the top of my page and clicked on the link to find out the password. You obtained the password, entered it, and were brought to a post you were hoping was relevant to your search. But it wasn’t, because of an especially egregious word mix-up. So I apologize to Fred, and all other readers.

But Fred, it’s dedicated readers like you that keep this blog running, so thank you.

P.S. It’s “it’s ‘it’s’ not ‘its’ as in IT IS”

Pet Peeve of the Day: 90 degree weather!

Quote of the Day: “Nothing says anything but that which it wishes would come true, fears what else might happen in some other place, some other time, not this one.” –Robert Creeley

I’m the last person in the world to speak ill of sleeping but when it comes to napping, I can no longer bite my tongue. Since when did everyone start napping? And I don’t mean kids and the elderly, I mean my friends, my peers… people MY AGE.

I’ve never understood the nap. What’s so great about sleeping for 30 minutes? Because when I do it, I just wake up crabbier than when I went to sleep. If I fall asleep, it better be a duration of at least 8 hours, (preferably 12).

I get it that people get tired during the day. I do too. But since I’m an adult, I just power through. Because I don’t have time to take a nap, nor do I have a mother with a plate of cookies and milk waiting for me to wake up. You’re an adult, you can drink coffee, pour yourself a fuckin Red Bull and grow a pair.

Scientists and commies can sit here all day and tell me how valuable napping can be. But I’ll bet that a good nights sleep far outweighs the combo of no sleep plus a nap.

Why would I want to force myself to awaken from slumber twice in one day? Waking up once is enough for me–it’s certainly not the highlight of my day so I can’t imagine voluntarily deciding to repeat that procedure more than necessary.

And people that take naps on the WEEKENDS? It’s called SLEEPING IN; problem solved.

You’re probably thinking, I’m sure there’s some times you have slept during the day. And the answer to that would be yes, why of course I have. But these have not been naps. These instances have been the result of being sick: falling asleep due to cough medicine/Quaaludes/codeine/etc. or the result of day drinking: passing out. Not napping. Passing out. Those are the only two exceptions.

So if you call me during the day and I don’t answer, assume I’m either really sick or hammered drunk. Because otherwise I should be alert and ready during all daytime hours. Klinker on the other hand? Not so much. They’re called cat naps for a reason.

Things I Live For: The fall Free People catalog

Quote of the Day: “There’s only one solution: disconnect!” –Tom Foster

Remember when microwave popcorn was the greatest invention ever? My how it has fallen from grace…

We can watch movies on a device as small as our hand, read books electronically, and become tan with the press of a button, yet we can’t make a fucking bag of microwave popcorn.

It seems that most microwaveable meals have figured out how long it takes to cook them. I’ve never had a problem with a Lean Cuisine providing me with the totally wrong length of cooking time. This includes using different microwaves, as we all know microwaves vary. But microwaveable popcorn? A range between 1 minute and 3 is not a range–it’s at best a guesstimate and likely a farce.

Awwww... Poor Debbie

Apparently, the worst office blunder in the world is burning the microwave popcorn. (If you ask me, it’s actually having unnecessarily long fake nails typing away all day, coupled with the odor of  overpowering disgusting old lady perfume-accented by the greasy food brought in during lunch. But that’s just me.)

In each office I have worked in, there have been strict rules with regards to microwave popcorn. My last office I worked in, it wasn’t even allowed. Of course, leaving the poor guy who sold his son’s boy scout microwaveable popcorn out in the cold…

Where I work now, there are instructions posted by the microwave stating that you CANNOT leave the microwave area as your popcorn is cooking.

So not only have the microwave popcorn people not figured out cooking times, but this product cannot be trusted in the hands of lawyers and important business people.

I don’t know about you, but that’s an indicator to me that microwave popcorn is some pretty powerful shit…

If I had to choose, I’d take burnt popcorn over greasy McDonald’s ANY DAY.

Pet Peeve of the Day: When people bring greasy McDonald’s into small spaces (read: cubicles, airplanes, CTA buses and trains)

Quote of the Day: “The opposite of courage in our society is not cowardice, it is conformity.” –Rollo May

Since the World Cup is sadly winding down… (damn you Germany! Go Netherlands!) I bring you Daniel Tosh’s amazingly awesome opinion on the sport of soccer:

Pet Peeve of the Day: LeBron James

Quote of the Day: ”Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.” — Dwight D. Eisenhower 

Friday marked Chrysler’s last production of the PT Cruiser. And my question is, what took so long?

First brought on the market in 2000, the PT Cruiser has had a surprisingly good run. I’m shocked it lasted a decade. People actually continued to buy these cars for TEN years. Damn.

So, here is my favorite PT Cruiser video:

And did you know there was a convertible version to this monstrosity of a car?

I mean HONESTLY people.

Nothing makes a PT Cruiser cooler than flames:

Or, wood paneling:

Wait, a scenic beach view may top the wood paneling:

Can someone PLEASE tell me why anyone thought these cars were cool?

Pet Peeve of the Day: See above

Quote of the Day: “Some people think they should go to heaven but NOT have to die to get there. Sorry, that’s simply not how it works.” –Dan Gilbert, Owner, Cleveland Cavaliers

Over the past few weeks I have seen my fair share of profiles. I have tried my best to refrain from judgment, but I’m beginning to wonder why they are all the same…

1) EVERY guy is a “laid back, normal guy”

2) EVERY guy “works hard but plays harder”

3) EVERY guy likes to be active whether it be jumping from an airplane, climbing a mountain, or swimming with sharks

4) EVERY guy has a “good sense of humor”

5) EVERY guy “wants a dog but doesn’t have time for one so it’s not fair to the dog to get one”

6) EVERY guy is “open” and “honest”

7) EVERY guy is “new to this online dating thing” and “sick of the bar scene”

8 ) Despite their laid back-ness, EVERY guy is “driven, determined, and focused”

9) EVERY guy is “just looking to meet new people” (am I high or is that a given?)

10) And finally… it is becoming highly unlikely that I will find my match. Where are all the witty, smart, tall, hilarious, Chicago sports loving, shaggy-haired-but-not-in-a-hipster-way, good looking guys???

If girls rock their profiles this way too, it’s no wonder that I stick out as the weirdo no one wants to talk to…

Things I Live For: Witty, smart, tall, hilarious, Chicago sports loving, shaggy-haired-but-not-in-a-hipster-way, good looking guys

Quote of the Day: “You don’t know a woman until you have a letter from her.” –Ada Leverson

This “email thread” is courtesy of 27b/6. Read it through… you will not regret it:

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9.15am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Poster

Hi
I opened the screen door yesterday and my cat got out and has been missing since then so I was wondering if you are not to busy you could make a poster for me. It has to be A4 and I will photocopy it and put it around my suburb this afternoon.

This is the only photo of her I have she answers to the name Missy and is black and white and about 8 months old. missing on Harper street and my phone number.
Thanks Shan.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9.26am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Poster

Dear Shannon,
That is shocking news. Luckily I was sitting down when I read your email and not half way up a ladder or tree. How are you holding up? I am surprised you managed to attend work at all what with thinking about Missy out there cold, frightened and alone… possibly lying on the side of the road, her back legs squashed by a vehicle, calling out “Shannon, where are you?” Although I have two clients expecting completed work this afternoon, I will, of course, drop everything and do whatever it takes to facilitate the speedy return of Missy.
Regards, David.
 

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9.37am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Poster

yeah ok thanks. I know you dont like cats but I am really worried about mine. I have to leave at 1pm today.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.17am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Dear Shannon,
I never said I don’t like cats. Once, having been invited to a party, I went clothes shopping beforehand and bought a pair of expensive G-Star boots. They were two sizes too small but I wanted them so badly I figured I could just wear them without socks and cut my toenails very short. As the party was only a few blocks from my place, I decided to walk. After the first block, I lost all feeling in my feet. Arriving at the party, I stumbled into a guy named Steven, spilling Malibu & coke onto his white Wham ‘Choose Life’ t-shirt, and he punched me. An hour or so after the incident, Steven sat down in a chair already occupied by a cat. The surprised cat clawed and snarled causing Steven to leap out of the chair, slip on a rug and strike his forehead onto the corner of a speaker; resulting in a two inch open gash. In its shock, the cat also defecated, leaving Steven with a wet brown stain down the back of his beige cargo pants. I liked that cat.
Attached poster as requested.
Regards, David.

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.24am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

yeah thats not what I was looking for at all. it looks like a movie and how come the photo of Missy is so small?

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.28am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Dear Shannon,
It’s a design thing. The cat is lost in the negative space.
Regards, David.
 

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.33am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Thats just stupid. Can you do it properly please? I am extremely emotional over this and was up all night in tears. you seem to think it is funny. Can you make the photo bigger please and fix the text and do it in colour please. Thanks.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.46am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Dear Shannon,
Having worked with designers for a few years now, I would have assumed you understood, despite our vague suggestions otherwise, we do not welcome constructive criticism. I don’t come downstairs and tell you how to send text messages, log onto Facebook and look out of the window. I am willing to overlook this faux pas due to you no doubt being preoccupied with thoughts of Missy attempting to make her way home across busy intersections or being trapped in a drain as it slowly fills with water. I spent three days down a well once but that was just for fun.
I have amended and attached the poster as per your instructions.
Regards, David.

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.59am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

This is worse than the other one. can you make it so it shows the whole photo of Missy and delete the stupid text that says missing missy off it? I just want it to say lost.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.14am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.21am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

yeah can you do the poster or not? I just want a photo and the word lost and the telephone number and when and where she was lost and her name. Not like a movie poster or anything stupid. I have to leave early today. If it was your cat I would help you. Thanks.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.32am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Awww

Dear Shannon,
I don’t have a cat. I once agreed to look after a friend’s cat for a week but after he dropped it off at my apartment and explained the concept of kitty litter, I kept the cat in a closed cardboard box in the shed and forgot about it. If I wanted to feed something and clean faeces, I wouldn’t have put my mother in that home after her stroke. A week later, when my friend came to collect his cat, I pretended that I was not home and mailed the box to him. Apparently I failed to put enough stamps on the package and he had to collect it from the post office and pay eighteen dollars. He still goes on about that sometimes, people need to learn to let go.
I have attached the amended version of your poster as per your detailed instructions.
Regards, David.

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.47am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Awww

Thats not my cat. where did you get that picture from? That cat is orange. I gave you a photo of my cat.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.58am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Awww

I know, but that one is cute. As Missy has quite possibly met any one of several violent ends, it is possible you might get a better cat out of this. If anybody calls and says “I haven’t seen your orange cat but I did find a black and white one with its hind legs run over by a car, do you want it?” you can politely decline and save yourself a costly veterinarian bill.
I knew someone who had a basset hound that had its hind legs removed after an accident and it had to walk around with one of those little buggies with wheels. If it had been my dog I would have asked for all its legs to be removed and replaced with wheels and had a remote control installed. I could charge neighbourhood kids for rides and enter it in races. If I did the same with a horse I could drive it to work. I would call it Steven.
Regards, David.

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.07pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Awww

Please just use the photo I gave you.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.22pm
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.34pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

I didnt say there was a reward. I dont have $2000 dollars. What did you even put that there for? Apart from that it is perfect can you please remove the reward bit. Thanks Shan.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.42pm
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.51pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

Can you just please take the reward bit off altogether? I have to leave in ten minutes and I still have to make photocopies of it.
From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.56pm
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 1.03pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

Fine. That will have to do.

Things I Live For: Bama for introducing me to 27b/6

Quote of the Day: ”I prefer to have my cab drivers be from one of the terrorist countries. Those guys don’t sleep. They’re all hopped up on hate and poppyseeds.” –Daniel Tosh

The video is kind of bad quality but watch this… and you will see why people hate America. (Well, this and Dwayne Wade’s comparison of the Heat losing games to 9/11… God I hope Osama isn’t watching…)

*     *     *

SUMMER JAM:

Pet Peeve of the Day: Incessant complaining

Quote of the Day: “But you lied again – Now you get to watch her leave out the window – guess that’s why they call it window pane.” –Eminem

So I was heading out of the city this past Saturday, a little later in the day, and as I drove down Lake Shore Drive I saw quite the sight on Lake Michigan. As I rounded the Oak Street curve, I saw about a hundred boats gathered in a small area on the lake about 20 feet from the shore. They looked as if they were going to be parked there for the remainder of the day.

Is this why people get a boat in Chicago? So they can take it a mile away from their slip to tread water in one spot all day? Why aren’t they cruisin’ the high seas, playing pirate and living the dream?

It seems a total waste of money, time, and resources. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure these boats have a great view of our city and fabulous skyline. But it’s like buying a Mercedes for the sole purpose of gathering with other Mercedes at a country club parking lot.

So I think my envy of the city sailor’s life is done with. I’m more than happy to be a landlubber with a couple extra bucks in my pocket and an ignorance to rust.

Pet Peeve of the Day: When people dot i’s with little circles

Quote of the Day: “Forgive you why, you hung me out to dry / Maybe I’m crazy but laughing out loud makes the pain pass by.” –Dave Matthews